The Creepy Elf Goes Pro on Letterman

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Congressman Dennis Kucinich recently appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman to promote his new run for president of the United States. Sitting on a stack of phone books, Kucinich outlined his policy objectives, told a few sob stories about living in poverty and sleeping in cars as a child, and even dished the scoop on his marriage to 14-foot-tall bombshell Elizabeth Harper (or maybe she just looks that tall standing next to Dennis). The audience seemed to get a kick out of the little guy – though some children, believing him to be a rabid white-tailed Gibbon, screamed for Jungle Jack Hanna to put him back in his cage. The Top Ten Sound Bites by the Elf: 10). “I think as we get down to the end of the campaign, I'll be one of three people left in the race.” Translation: Like last time, I’m not going to stop running until the Elections Commission orders me to give my taxpayer-funded campaign money back. 9). “They had a national poll last week that showed me at 3 percent, which means some people, with the margin of error, believe I actually exist.” Translation: That was a joke. OK, so we lied. We got bored halfway through and flipped to re-runs of Three’s Company. We flipped back just in time to hear Dennis drop his No. 1 line. You have to admire the guy for keeping a straight face. 1). “It's not about me, really.” -- Jared Klaus

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