America Celebrates Wage Hike By Throwing Out Those Crappy Oreo Rip-Offs


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In response to the recent wage hike, Americans are burning millions of Hydrox-brand cookies, those crappy generics your mom always bought when you weren't at the store to shame her into buying real Oreos.
Here in America’s Poorest City™, we’re celebrating the recent historic hike in the federal minimum wage, from $5.15 an hour to $5.85. As The Onion, the nation’s greatest newspaper, reports, these newfound riches will finally allow us to purchase items like Heinz ketchup and Tic Tacs. “Whether buying national-brand condiments, allowing themselves two additional squares of toilet paper, or paying for a few more minutes of drying time at the laundromat, the estimated 13 million Americans who subsist on minimum wages are getting a taste of the good life,” the paper reports. "And don't forget the economic stimulus this wage increase will provide,” it quotes House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as saying. “Already we hear that discount stores nationwide are selling out their stocks of flip-flops and the stiffer kind of paper plates." Perhaps now we can finally splurge on Walgreens-brand ice cream or a Rally’s burger with cheese. (Cheddar, everyone knows, is a signal that you've made it.) But we must be careful not to spend it all at once. It took a decade to get this damn raise, the Washington Post reports, and you can never be sure it will happen again. According to the legislation President Bush signed, the wage will rise to $7.25 an hour by the summer of 2009. Then, and only then, will we be able to go anywhere near Target, where even the most thrifty shopper can go in looking for oven mitts and come out with new sheets, a copy of Eat, Pray, Love, a flat-screen TV, a subscription to Real Simple, three new houseplants, a car battery, and, of course, no oven mitts. – Lisa Rab


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