Scientists recreate out-of-body experiences. C-Notes localizes!


According to a really important study in a very reputable scientific journal, sex with this man would not be fun.
Being a scientist can be a frustrating job. Whether you’re searching for elusive cures to the world’s killer diseases, hopelessly scanning outer space for traces of alien life, or doing something else all scientific and boring, sometimes you just need to break the monotony. So some researchers in Europe, according to a story in today’ s New York Times, have been doing some “mind-body” experiments, which is apparently geek-talk for, “Let’s find some human guinea pigs, hook them up with some stuff, and scare the living shit out of them.” The out-of-body experiments, the Times reported ...
... were conducted by two research groups using slightly different methods intended to expand the so-called rubber hand illusion. In that illusion, people hide one hand in their lap and look at a rubber hand set on a table in front of them. As a researcher strokes the real hand and the rubber hand simultaneously with a stick, people have the vivid sense that the rubber hand is their own. When the rubber hand is whacked with a hammer, they wince and sometimes cry out. The illusion shows that body parts can be “separated” from the whole body by manipulating a mismatch between touch and vision. That is, when a person’s brain sees the fake hand being stroked and feels the same sensation, the sense of being touched is misattributed to the fake.
The results of such experiments could lead to practical applications. Namely, if a guy from Finland who calls himself a doctor ever asks you to participate in an experiment, you now know to respond by punching him in the Adam's apple and calling the authorities. But the experiments are only the starting point for this new and exciting field. According to sources in Finland, who we made up in order to write the rest of this blog post, future lab scenarios in the works include: The Semi-Truck Quandary: A person is given goggles which project a virtual image of themselves from the back. A scientist strokes their back with a stick. Then the scientist climbs into the cab of a 20,000-lb semi-truck and pretends to run over the virtual image. Hypothesis: If all goes as planned, the subject will crap himself. The Severing Your Own Head Theory: By working with professional make-up artists, the scientist will create an exact dummy replica of the subject. Then the scientist will strap the subject to a gurney, and make him watch as the dummy’s head is slowly severed with a rusty farm sickle. Blood pressure, heart beat, and brain waves will be measured so as to make it look, like, all scientific and shit. The Hypothesis That Sex With Jimmy Dimora Totally Sucks, Scientifically Speaking: By combining state-of-the-art Hollywood visual effects with how-to videos on cow-milking, a 3-minute movie will be created of the subject having sexual intercourse with Cuyahoga County Commissioner Jimmy Dimora. The subject will then be forced to watch the video for 24-hours straight. Suspected practical applications include use in terrorist interrogations. – Jared Klaus


Add a comment