A Plea to Elyria Police: Reinstate Patrolman Tanner. That guy rules.


Somebody buy Elyria police officer Michael Tanner a beer. In an arbitration proceeding right now, he’s fighting for his job, his pride, and his God-given right to get piss-ass wasted, stare at hooters, and play Twister with a can of whip-cream. Last July, when he heard his good buddy was having a party, Tanner decided he’d better camp out there, just to make sure nothing got out of hand. And nothing did, unless you consider a wet t-shirt contest and a game of whipped-cream Twister “getting out of hand.” Unfortunately for Tanner, neighbors weren’t in the partying mood. They flooded the station with angry calls about the noise. But, when dispatchers called Tanner to send him to the party, it sounded to them as if he was already there. One dispatcher described the background noise on Tanner’s portable radio as sounding like a “whiskey ranch.” Good thing one of Elyria’s finest was there to protect and serve. Finally, some of Tanner’s fellow officers decided to drop by the house. When they walked up to the front door, they saw Tanner sitting on the couch, browsing through a karaoke song-book. Those at the party that night say it’s a total bummer the cops showed up before he had a chance to sing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing,” while wearing nothing but a whip-cream G-string. Sadly for Tanner, his skills at lying aren’t nearly as honed as his ability to rock. When he first saw the officers, he tried covering his face with the song-book. When that didn’t work, he told them he was at the party picking up his drunk wife. Asked why his own breath reeked of alcohol, Tanner said he’d taken some Tequila and Mike’s Hard Lemonade to cure an upset stomach. “You, know, it’s like homeopathic, dude. Waaasssssssuuuuuppppp!!!!! You guys wanna take a rip off of Officer Bong and his partner Sergeant Doobie?” Internal investigations, however, doesn’t find Tanner’s story amusing. He was fired shortly after, and is currently appealing the decision. C-Notes official ruling: We want to party with this guy. -- Jared Klaus


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