On Sunday, the DEA concluded a country-wide, four-day series of underground steroid raids.
Federal agents busted down the doors of 56 labs, throwing handcuffs on 124 steroid-pushers. Several of the agents reported that they "really felt like Vin Diesel for a second there." Among the items confiscated were 71 weapons, 25 vehicles, three boats, and Jeremy Shockey:
Feds are now compiling a database of all customers of these ‘roid labs. Scene’s
insider sources confirm that, pending investigation, approximately all 750 players in the Major Leagues will be suspended. If you’re interested in a position working for the Cleveland Indians, Mark Shapiro requests that you fax him your resume -- remember to put the position you’re applying for, i.e. “Middle Reliever”, on the top of the cover sheet. And be sure to Fedex a jar of urine for testing. -- Gus Garcia-Roberts