Breaking News: C-Notes Obtains 9-1-1 Tape of Chicken Choker Caught by Trucker

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Now that Carl Monday’s on board at Action News, masturbating in public just isn’t safe anymore. While at Channel 3, he broke story of a man caught smacking the bishop in the Berea Public Library. Now, Action News reporter Denise Strzelczyk has apparently taken Monday’s beat off his hands with the shocking tale of a man busted for DWJ -- Driving While Jackin’ It. Fifty-six-year-old Michael Riley probably thought he was safe freeing Willy on the freeway, as he drove his Chevy Corsica down OH-11 in Trumbull County. What he didn’t count on was the trucker driving next to him catching him in the act. What’s even more disgusting: Riley, who works for a religious organization that finds homes for foster children, had three young kids riding in his back seat. The trucker called 9-1-1, and Riley was pulled over shortly after by the police, who charged him with public indecency. Through C-Notes' top-secret sources, and with some help from the folks behind the Wanklist we’ve obtained a copy of that tape. Here’s the transcript: Caller: Hello, 9-1-1? This is Northbound. We’ve got a guy going Southbound on himself in the car next to me. Operator: Caller, I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. Please be clearer. Caller: I’m telling you, he’s cuffing the carrot, playing closet frisbee. This guy’s got a date with Mother Thumb and her four daughters. And he’s got kids in the car! This is terrible! Operator: Ummm, I still don’t think I’m reading you, caller. . . Caller: Oh my god! He’s coralling the tadpoles, buffing the banana, adjusting the sundial. You guys better get out here before he blows the brains out of Charles the Bald. Operator: Who the heck is Charles the Bald? Caller, is there an emergency out there, or is this some sort of joke? Caller: Joke? It is if you consider beating the bed flute a joke. This guy’s helping Mr. Kleenex’s kids get through college and you guys don’t even care. Operator: Whoa there, caller. Who in the damn hell is Mr. Kleenex? Is he hurting you? Caller: No goddamnit! It’s a metaphor. I’ll be as straight-forward with you people as I can be. There’s a guy in the car next to me performing diagnostics on his man-tool. He’s punishing Woodrow for uppity behavior. Oh shit, he’s about to summon the genie. Hurry up! Operator: Oh No! Are you saying there’s a guy saying a prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey? We’ll send officers right away, sir. -- Jared Klaus

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