When it Comes to Vying, No One Does it Better Than Cleveland


City officials say the Clinic's top-ranked heart center makes Cleveland the front-runner for the 2027 Cialis Tour.
If there’s one quality unique to Cleveland, it’s our uncanny ability to bounce back after repeated rejection. We hoped and prayed to win the bid for the 2008 Republican National Convention, yet lost out to Minneapolis. We put all our stock in landing the 2011 Special Olympics World Summer Games, yet in the end the judges picked Athens, Greece, despite our equally impressive array of decaying architecture. But that’s all in the past now. The Plain Dealer reports this morning that Cleveland is vying again for yet another major world sporting event: the 2013 National Senior Games, where athletes 50 and older come to compete in a variety of sports, including bowling, horseshoes, shuffleboard, and chugging saline solution in the ever-popular Colonoscopy Preparation Challenge. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Everyone knows we'll lose out again, probably to Boca Raton. Still, here in the capitol of Vying for Shit We'll Never Get, there's always something to vie for right around the corner. What will we vie for next? We thought you'd never ask. And you never did. Nevertheless, C-Notes obtained this list of prospective events, and we intend to tell you about it. Let the vying begin! The 2009 Bum, Hobo, and Beggar Convention Cleveland’s edge: Our homeless people not only outnumber those in cities of similar size, but are on average crazier and scarier. The city is also a major stop on the east-west railroad, providing free transportation to hobos and escapees from prisons and work-camps. The 2015 Office Workers of Irish and Italian Ancestry Gathering Cleveland’s edge: Despite our slugging economy, there’s always a job boom going on in the hiring halls of our county government. If you can prove that your ancestry is at least 4 percent Russo, Corrigan, or O’Malley, you’re entitled to receive a job in front of a computer making at least $15 per hour, with a strong benefits package that includes never having to do any actual work. Cleveland also possesses a wealth of nearby restaurants at which to take your four-hour lunch break. The 2013 Westlake, North Olmsted, and Beachwood Convention Cleveland’s edge: Granted, these suburbs are located just a short drive from downtown. Yet, considering the fact that most residents haven’t seen a reason to come downtown since 1987, it’d be nice to bring everyone together for a picnic or something. Unfortunately, it seems that Pittsburgh and Niagara Falls are still the front-runners for this event. The 2011 Mayor Frank Jackson Family Reunion Cleveland’s edge: While this event would only draw about 20 people, some of whom may or may not be incarcerated, we’re pretty much guaranteed a lock, considering he's the mayor and all. Then again, we hear Merrillville, Indiana is in the running, and they've got a Jamba Juice. Let's not hold our breath. -- Jared Klaus

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