Feagler: Mitt Romney is a Goddamned Mormon


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Today's topic: Mitt Romney's major address on faith ... We were at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: Mitt Romney is a goddammed Mormon. Why, back in my day, we didn't have Mormons. We had decent people like Catholics, who had decent bosses like the pope, not some guy name John Smith, who they probably hired away from the phone company. And we never had 18 wives like these Mormons have today. We only had one wife – sometimes two or three if she got to shacking up with your cousin Jimmy. And she didn't wear Little House on the Prairie dresses and call herself Maude. Her name was Mary Margaret, and she had headlights like a De Soto. But if you tried to get your mitts on 'em, her brother would sock you in the kisser, so you had to knock her up so you could marry her. And the guys at the coffee shop all agree: Back in our day, we had real brothers to sock you in the kisser, big ole guys with biceps like cantaloupes. That's another thing: what's up with cantaloupes today? Is it just me, or are they way smaller than they used to be? This has been another moment of deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming ...

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