Juan-Gone, Justice Lead List of Indians in Mitchell Report


Paul Byrd's on the list. Are you?
The Mitchell Report was unveiled this afternoon. Bad news for true baseball fans, unfortunately. Names were named and the 74 year-old former Senator sucker punched Major League Baseball in the eye like only a 74 year-old man can – with 410 pages of babbling nonsense. In your obligatory local angle, there were a total of 14 former Cleveland Indians named, and one current player, Paul Byrd. Here’s a concise run-down of the juicers and their seasons with the Tribe: (Click More to read on) Juan Gonzalez – 2001, 2005. Considering that he lasted only one game with the Tribe in ’05, and tore his hamstring making oatmeal before the game, this really shouldn’t count. Matt Williams – 1997. Apparently steroids causes premature balding. Steve Woodard – 2000-2001. Loved that “Valerie” song, but the rest of his repetoire left something to be desired. John Rocker – 2001. Is there anything this guy wouldn’t put in his body? David Segui – 2000. Hit .332 and slammed 8 HR in 57 games with the Tribe. Totally forgot he ever played in Cleveland. Tim Laker – 2001-2004, and 2006. Laker was a manager for Class A Kinston in the Tribe organization last year. Scheduled to be a roving catcher in the organization this year. That could get awkward. Jason Grimsley – 1993-1995. Jason could get caught freebasing and we wouldn’t care. Why? His 007-esque trip into the umpires’ locker room to retrieve Albert Belle’s corked bat. That was sweet. David Justice – 1997-1999. Justice’s people say he mistakenly believed steroids made your balls bigger, not smaller, and was trying to impress Halle Berry. Understandable. Mark Carreon – 1996. Break's a man's heart, y'know? Paul Byrd – 2006-current. Paulie claims the HGH was for a medically approved treatment of a tumor near his pituitary gland. More likely it was for his porn addiction. David Bell – 1995, 1998. Psychologists would say this is simply the least successful kid in his family trying to act out for attention. Glenallen Hill – 1991-1993. What’s more disturbing: That the Glenallen Hill took ‘roids, or that the Indians took Glenallen Hill? Ron Villone – 1998. Say it ain’t so! Kent Mercker – 1996. Another jersey we can never wear again. Chad Allen – 2002. Batted .100 in 5 games in the majors. On ‘roids. Hopefully he kept his receipt. -- By Vince Grzegorek



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