Juan-Gone, Justice Lead List of Indians in Mitchell Report

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Paul Byrd's on the list. Are you?
The Mitchell Report was unveiled this afternoon. Bad news for true baseball fans, unfortunately. Names were named and the 74 year-old former Senator sucker punched Major League Baseball in the eye like only a 74 year-old man can – with 410 pages of babbling nonsense. In your obligatory local angle, there were a total of 14 former Cleveland Indians named, and one current player, Paul Byrd. Here’s a concise run-down of the juicers and their seasons with the Tribe: (Click More to read on) Juan Gonzalez – 2001, 2005. Considering that he lasted only one game with the Tribe in ’05, and tore his hamstring making oatmeal before the game, this really shouldn’t count. Matt Williams – 1997. Apparently steroids causes premature balding. Steve Woodard – 2000-2001. Loved that “Valerie” song, but the rest of his repetoire left something to be desired. John Rocker – 2001. Is there anything this guy wouldn’t put in his body? David Segui – 2000. Hit .332 and slammed 8 HR in 57 games with the Tribe. Totally forgot he ever played in Cleveland. Tim Laker – 2001-2004, and 2006. Laker was a manager for Class A Kinston in the Tribe organization last year. Scheduled to be a roving catcher in the organization this year. That could get awkward. Jason Grimsley – 1993-1995. Jason could get caught freebasing and we wouldn’t care. Why? His 007-esque trip into the umpires’ locker room to retrieve Albert Belle’s corked bat. That was sweet. David Justice – 1997-1999. Justice’s people say he mistakenly believed steroids made your balls bigger, not smaller, and was trying to impress Halle Berry. Understandable. Mark Carreon – 1996. Break's a man's heart, y'know? Paul Byrd – 2006-current. Paulie claims the HGH was for a medically approved treatment of a tumor near his pituitary gland. More likely it was for his porn addiction. David Bell – 1995, 1998. Psychologists would say this is simply the least successful kid in his family trying to act out for attention. Glenallen Hill – 1991-1993. What’s more disturbing: That the Glenallen Hill took ‘roids, or that the Indians took Glenallen Hill? Ron Villone – 1998. Say it ain’t so! Kent Mercker – 1996. Another jersey we can never wear again. Chad Allen – 2002. Batted .100 in 5 games in the majors. On ‘roids. Hopefully he kept his receipt. -- By Vince Grzegorek

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