Dick Feagler: Voting Machines and Killing Witches Were Way Better Back in My Day


Today’s topic: Voting machines … I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: Voting machines today are horse manure. Back in my day, you didn’t have these new-fangled machines with computers and electronics. You walked to a big wall in the middle of town and scratched your vote into the brick with a sharp stick. And they didn’t just give you a stick. You had to bring your own. And if you couldn’t find a stick, you had to stab yourself in the hand with someone else’s stick and then vote on the wall in blood. Blood was better back in my day. It didn’t have these HIVs and hepatitis like the blood they have today. You could drink it if you got thirsty, and no one would call you a vampire. Unless you were a woman. Then they would call you a witch and kill you. And the guys all agreed: Killing witches was better back in our day. Today, you stab a witch with a stick and they put you in jail. Back in my day, you got a parade. And not one of those little parades like they have today, where everyone watches on TV. Back in my day, we had real parades, where people would line the streets to see you holding the witch’s severed head on a stick and… This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

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