To Ward Off Cimperman, Kucinich Makes Plea for Help


Early this morning, Dennis Kucinich channeled his inner-evangelist and released the above impassioned plea for cash. The once untouchable congressman apparently is feeling the heat from Councilman Joe Cimperman, his chief congressional foe. In a race Kucinich used to sleep-walk through, he’s practically begging for $1,000. Presuming you don't speak Kucinichese -- sadly, we accidentally learned long ago -- we've taken the time to translate his message: Dennis: Hi. I want to thank you for your support of our efforts to ... take America in a new direction, so we can have a government that we can truly call our own. Translation: Thanks for all that presidential-campaign cash, assorted Santa Cruz hippies and Hollywood types. It's really paying off. I'm as tan as ever! In connection with that, you know I’m running for re-election to the United States Congress, and I need your help to make sure that I stay in Congress. ... That Chris Penn look-a-like Joe Cimperman wants my job. And I know, I want that other, bigger job. But let’s get real here. I need to keep this congress gig if I want to keep running for president every term. An unemployed guy running every time is so… Sharpton-esque. I need you—right now—to go to that place and website where you can contribute, to send a check, or to phone in a contribution. Not sure how this works for you exactly—or even who you are, really. But Elizabeth says to just look into this lens and say “I need money” in three different ways. So here goes. I need you to contribute at least one hundred dollars to make sure that I can continue my work in United States Congress. Just one hundred dollars, cheap-o. The hemp Gucci flip-flops I’m wearing right now to show off my Honolulu tan cost twice that. And if you can, to help me raise, with the help of your friends and relatives, $1,000. Whoa—you’re really gonna give me a hundred bucks just like that? You don’t have nine friends, do you? Already, television commercials are flooding the Cleveland airways, with a message that is designed to try to knock me out of office. To use metaphor, Cimperman is airing ads where he’s Sunny Delight and I’m the Purple Stuff. It’s hurtful. I need you to make sure that I can continue this work. Please contribute now. Did you know that Purple Stuff is high in Vitamin D? And tastes like delicious grapes. I want to thank you for the great support that you’ve shown me over the years. But I can tell you, that now more than ever, your support is going ot be essential. Help me raise at least $1,000 dollars, if you’re able to. Wait, is this the third time? Am I done? Lizzie, I’m so tired. Have I eaten breakfast today? Where am I? Enable me to continue to stand out, and speak out, for the people of Cleveland, whose concerns are so much similar to the concerns of people all over this country. It doesn't seem like it now, but you are just as concerned as Clevelanders about Bernie Kosar’s newest pet project, LeBron's latest shoe design, and Christmas Ale. OK? Can you just give me the money already, before Elizabeth leaves me for a day trader? -- Gus Garcia-Roberts

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