Where Have You Gone, Carl Monday?


Has Carl gone soft? Will Cleveland survive?
What’s happened to Carl Monday lately? The “Dean of Cleveland Investigative Reporters” has made a career out of a trenchcoat, a microphone wielded like a baton, and the ingratiating persistence of a frantic chihuahua. His specialty: turning petty stupidity or lewdness — like, say, cranking it in a library -- into high crime. All in a day’s work for the grand master of sensationalism. But one look at Monday’s recent workload suggests that Monday’s going soft. His last two stories have involved a lawsuit filed against the Cleveland Clinic, by a fired doctor who's crying discrimination. (He's Indian, you see; everyone knows hospitals never hire Indian doctors). Now Carl Monday in a hospital obviously has endless promise; the combination immediately conjures images of him barging into a maternity ward, demanding too see midwives’ birthing licenses, and somehow getting briefly strangled by an umbilical cord as he interrogates a baby. But no, in these two stories, Monday is studying paperwork and conducting interviews. And these aren’t the type of interviews that end with a masturbator’s dad slamming his fist against Monday’s car, yelling, “I’m a vet, goddamnit!” These are actually interviews, with questions, and then answers. It’s like watching Barry Bonds bunt. Christ, Monday’s not even wearing a trench coat. We lost a half-day's work, a full two hours, mourning Monday's demise. But then we realized we still have his back catalog to help us remember the good old days, when the guy was completely shameless. Like November. That’s when Monday trained his beady eyes on a Mayfield school bus yard and went to work . He costs an elderly driver his job for using a walker. He harries another driver, an old woman with, well, a slightly oversized derriere, about how she can mobilize to save kids in an emergency. (To which she replies, “I’d evacuate them just fine!”) And he gets chased from school grounds by an incensed principal. Carl, have you seen the state of our city since you went un-sensationalist? Harmless Clevelanders are going about their daily lives, unharassed. Please. We need you back. -- Gus Garcia-Roberts

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