Feagler: Stimulus package is for sissies


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Today's topic: George Bush’s planned economic stimulus I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: This economic stimulus is an under the table tugjob for the weak. Why, back in my day, we didn’t get stimulated by the government. If you needed cash, you were a vagrant, and the police had a whole set of laws just for you, with punishments that included burning down your shanty, spraying you with a fire hose, or paddy-wagoning you just over the Michigan border and leaving you there. ... If the government did decide to throw poor people a bone, it wasn’t a $600 check. Relief workers literally threw bones at you. Horse femurs, donated by the local dog food factory. If it was Christmas, they left some meat on ‘em for you. And back in my day, we didn’t have economics. We had our stomachs. If you were hungry, times were bad. If you were full, they were good. And if you were peckish all the time, even after licking clean a big horse leg, you were pregnant or you had worms. Either way, you just heaved about in a tub full of salt water ‘til all intruders fell out, and you shut the hell up about it. The thing is, back in my day, we didn’t have short-term solutions for life’s problems. If you hurt your arm, you got it cut off. If somebody commited a crime, like murder or stealing a bucket of fish, you sent him to jail forever, or hung him. And if your planet was heating up and polar bears were drowning, you turned off the nonsense documentary. You sifted through the other two channels until you found something, hopefully starring Ingrid Bergman ... This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

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