Hillary Clinton: 2 Paris Hiltons.
It’s Super Tuesday, which means voters across the nation are faced with the predicament of choosing the lesser of multiple evils. At least if you care about issues.
But if you're voting based on the only thing that truly matters – hotness – you'll find an impressive roster of, like, totally smokin' candidates. So C-Notes has developed its patented Presidential Hotness Meter, providing you with the kind of insight needed to decide who would look the prettiest during weekend retreat photo-ops at Camp David.
Ratings, quite naturally, are based on a Paris Hilton scoring system. (Five Hiltons equals a Prada endorsement).
Hillary is a total cougar. But it isn’t her looks that give the boys boners. It’s all that power! After all, Hillary’s kinda fugly. And she has that whole weird mother complex thing going – kinda like a cross between your third-grade teacher and that boss you really hate. You know, the one with all the flow charts and 17-page memos from HR. But she’s got great cheekbones and a closet full of Caroline Herrara suits, which makes up for her vague resemblance to Jack Nicholson’s Joker. Score: 2 Paris Hiltons ...
Those kissable lips. That I-just-sucked-on-a-lemon squint. Obama has that certain jungle fever appeal that is, like, totally in right now. On top of being totally beautiful, he absolutely kills a single-breasted suit. Even David Letterman agrees.
Scientists believe that Dick Cheney briefly turned gay the first time he saw Obama. 5 Paris Hiltons
Huckabee: 1 Paris Hilton.
He used to be a huge pig until losing a gazillion pounds. Still, he’s not that much hotter than James Gandolfini. Now he just looks like a cross between Dopey and Kevin Spacey. And what's with that crazy-eyed gaze? This guy's got stalker written all over him. 1 Paris Hilton
McCain was a total beefcake back in ’73. With his prematurely white hair and James Dean stare, he could have totally given Richard Gere a run for his money. But unlike Gere, McCain didn't spend the next 30 years prancing around Tibet with his personal trainer and masseuse. So time hasn’t been so kind to Mr. McCain. The liver spots, saggy jowls, and never-ending forehead – he looks like a sober version of your uncle Herman. 2 Paris Hiltons
A total fox. He’s got the sexy gray sideburns and the Superman smile, an aging Clark Kent with a Neon Beach tan. He’s also Mormon, which means he's a racehorse in the bedroom, since God wants him to have 37 wives under the age of 14. We'd totally put on a Little House on the Prairie dress and carry his prophet babies any day. 4 Paris Hiltons
Ron Paul: 0 Paris Hiltons.
Since Dennis Kucinich dropped out, Ron Paul is now officially the creepiest looking man running for president. In fact, we’re not sure he’s a man at all. He looks more like that claymation version of Fred Astaire in Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town. But if you could pickle him, he'd probably make a good paperweight. 0 Paris Hiltons
-- Denise Grollmus