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Column: Berkeley should pay dearly for its insult to the Marine Corps
February 6, 2008
The Berkeley, California City Council is against the war. But since it can’t legally kick a U.S. Marines recruiting office out of the city, it chose the next best thing: A Fashionably Symbolic Liberal Act. It voted to give Code Pink, an anti-military group, its own parking space outside the office and a permit to protest there once a week. Kevin, quite naturally, is totally outraged…
Kevin's Sanity Level Today:
63 percent, but breathing fire
What Your Head Would Feel Like if You Read it Yourself:
Imagine driving through Nebraska. Your CD player is broke. The only thing you can get on the radio is Rush Limbaugh. Curses, Nebraska!
Charting Kevin's Logic:
1. You are about to witness, ladies and gentlemen, a beautiful collision between the shrilly impotent. On one side we have the Fashionably Symbolic Left, which likes to embark on theatric protests of minimal consequence, then repair to someone’s loft to congratulate each other over wine and cheese. Crank up the Bonnie Raitt, dude!
2. On the other side we have the Forces of Histrionic Right Wing Outrage. They like to take umbrage with said acts of no consequence, play them up as if they’re grave threats to this Great Country of Ours, denounce them with fury and righteousness, then go back to surfing gay porn.
3. Kevin launches his denunciation with a classic move, a variation of the old Be Careful What You Wish For Unless You Wanna Be Talking Chinese Strategy. He calls the Marines “the same guys who have spent 217 years and countless lives safeguarding the Berkeley City Council's power to pass resolutions born of rank idiocy…” Take that, commie homos!
4. Still, even Kevin seems to realize that he’s picked a fight with the political equivalent of an elderly guy in a wheel chair: “Yes, it's "Berserkeley" we're talking about.” Notice the play on words? This is what passes for humor in Republican circles. Let’s all take a moment to say the rosary so that God may keep us from ever falling into Republican circles.
5. Unfortunately, conservatives still must raise the ante by countering with a Symbolic Act of their own. Writes Kevin: “South Carolina Republican Sen. Jim DeMint says he'll introduce legislation to whack $2.1 million earmarked in the Senate appropriations bill for projects in Berkeley.” Translation for those of you scoring at home: “Senator Jim DeMint won’t actually do shit, but he will say some stuff guaranteed to get him invites to Fox News and Limbaugh within the next 48 hours.”
6. Final conclusion: Think of this as a knife fight between Martin Lawrence and a mime. You’re really thankful that God invented knives. Now, if He could just see to it that both these guys mortally stab each other simultaneously…