InfraGard: Help FBI, Feel Way Cool


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The Progressive, a monthly mag that makes Howard Zinn's diary look like an Enron power point presentation, is throwing a hissy fit this month over InfraGard, the Cleveland-based non profit that links businesses and private individuals with the FBI. The goal is for those private citizens, usually from the technology sector, to help fight terrorism, and maybe get laid more than twice a year. The Progressive article claims the practice is a new way for the FBI to extend its reach into the private sector. But for men living in their grandparents' basement, InfraGard is the coolest conspiracy club around. ... In exchange for giving up their privacy, InfraGard members, who belong to local chapters throughout the country, receive secret warnings about terror threats and are given special privileges in the event of martial law. The members remain silent about what exactly these martial law privileges are, but according to the Progressive, they get permission to “shoot to kill.” How awesome it that!? Regular folks can serve as judge, jury and executioner when poop-hits-the-fanneth and the military rules over the nation. It’s a Mall Security Guard’s dream. There’s still no word on whether InfraGard will include other super-secret threat-prevention tools to entice membership, like secret decoder rings, invisible ink, and fake mustaches. And before they get the rights of full-fledged members, applicants must have some sort of critical knowledge about certain infrastructure, like telecommunications, agriculture or, the chemical industry, which hurts the chances of stay-at-home dads who read Tom Clancy novels all day. But with five chapters in Ohio alone, and 86 across the nation, it seems like even a basic knowledge of infrastructure will allow someone to put their ear up to the closed doors of the FBI. – Bradley Campbell


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