Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey hits Cleveland. Tell your pot dealer to hide

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If you’ve longed to wasted in Parma in the presence of a megalomaniac with presidential aspirations but are always busy when Kucinich is in town, tonight’s your lucky night. Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey, the devout “sanguinary vampyre” and bona fide strangie, performs his campaign songs at 7 tonight inside Hotties Bar at 7460 Ridge Road in Parma. Last month, the New Jersey-born Sharkey announced that he was running for president on the Vampires, Witches, and Pagans Party ticket that he founded in 2005. In its filings to the U.S. Federal Election Committee, the party advocates protection of religious beliefs and the political advancement of any American who IDs himself as a vampire, witch, pagan, demon, Satanist, or Wiccan. It claims it has members in the U.K., Ireland, Brazil, and Italy. Sharkey has since taped a documentary on the campaign trail, which brings him to the Cleveland area this week. He’ll perform again at Hotties on Friday and field questions from voters at Phoenix Café at 15108 Detroit Avenue in Lakewood between 6 and 8 Sunday night. That’s when Sharkey will pledge a 13-point platform, which includes better health benefits for farmers and military vets and more money for America’s schools. He’ll even live up to his nickname in support of capital punishment. “I will personally impale any and all wrongdoers,” says Sharkey, who doesn’t likely get many dates. “If you are a child molester, rapist, drug dealer, or terrorist, you will be impaled.” He doesn’t specify his preferred method of impaling, but we presume it involves some sort of pitch fork. For more info on Sharkey’s campaign concerts, call Hotties at 440-888-1208 or Phoenix Café at 216-226-4401. – Cris Glaser

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