Tackleberry Justice: Cleveland Police want to upgrade weapons

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The Cleveland police know one very important thing when battling criminals: It sucks to get out-gunned. Fighting an automatic rifle with a wimpy handgun is no fun. Sure there’s a challenge to it, but challenges are overrated, especially when it results in a bullet in your spleen or, worse, having to call those bastards from the SWAT to bail your ass out. SWAT guys luuuv to brag about their toys. And it gets annoying, watching them clutch their aircraft-grade aluminum receivers as they sight in criminals from the coffee shop three blocks away. That's why, as the Plain Dealer reported this weekend, the CPD is pushing for a weapons upgrade. They want to have selected officers carry the AR-15 assault rifle, a lightweight, air-cooled, auto-loading, magazine-fed, chick-magnet. It's the punky little sister of the M-16, Rambo's gun. The sucker is seven pounds of crime-fighting power. It signals the advent of a new, unfortunate arms race, where the police must catch up with the bad guys. But it will allow the cops to bring down hell on perpetrators. Think of the proposed move as the Tackleberry Justice theory. If the department gives the okay, it will allow police to protect its citizens better by shooting everything in their path. By doing this, the force will honor the legacy of Ohio's favorite son, David Grath. David Grath? C'mon trivia buffs. The Lancaster native left an indelible mark on Hollywood during the 1980s, playing the most memorable and well-armed comedy cop in movie history, Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry, in the Police Academy film series. Tackleberry is most famous for stopping the prowl of a great white shark on the coast of Florida with a very large gun in Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach. He also fell in love with Sgt. Kathleen Kirkland, who had some pretty huge grenades herself. Anyway, back to the AR-15. The department says it will move slowly on the matter. But with cops in far-less-violent Lakewood already packing twenty grand’s worth of AR-15s – “All armed up with no one to shoot!” -- the Cleveland force is intent on loading up. Still, C-Notes hopes the force might forgo the AR-15 all together and bump it up a step, to Moonraker Lasers. Those bastards are cool as hell, and will definitely make the SWAT guys jealous. And bad guys will be pissing their XXXXL tees when those death beams soar over their heads. – Bradley Campbell

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