It seems like just yesterday that I was sitting in Scorcher’s in West Akron, watching the 2006 NBA playoffs, when a bona fide cat-fight broke out between my friend and an unruly Detroit Pistons fan. It was Game 3, shortly after half time and shortly before my eighth Miller Lite, so the details are a bit blurry. But I do recall that my friend called Ben Wallace a faggot after he punked Bron Bron on his way to the hoop. Pistons Lady called my friend a "bitch." And after the fracas died down, our group walked out with $25 in gift certificates from the manager. “I fucking hate the Pistons and their stupid fans,” he said as he handed it over, and we all high-fived, applauding both his sentiment and his decision to give us free shit.
Yes, it wasn’t long ago that I would have given anything to see Big Ben brutally injured. After all, the best defensive player in the game was manning up for the most evil team in the NBA – the Detroit fucking Pistons. They’re like the Steelers, only uglier. ...
But today, I sing a different tune.
How the Cavs duped Chicago into taking Larry Hughes and his dusty friends, in exchange for a four-time winner of Defensive Player of Year Award, is beyond me. Does Chicago not realize that Hughes is actually made out of glass – and not even high-grade Home Depot glass? That Drew Gooden has a soul patch on the back of his head that drives fans to dry heave? And that Shannon Brown is really just a cardboard cutout that we used to distract the opposing team while Damon Jones dumped laxative in their Gatorade?
Whatever Jedi mind trick the Cavs used to get Wallace, this fan is impressed. With The Body now working as James’s version of Charles Oakley, things are looking up for our spring trips to Scorcher’s.
Welcome to Cleveland, Ben. I’m now off to the store to buy an Afro wig. – Denise Grollmus
Related: Read how Thursday's trade will -- or won't -- impact Danny Ferry's future as GM.