Zydrunas Ilgauskas, the Human Tip Drill. Somewhere, the St. Lunatics are looking up the word 'royalties'


"I said it must be ya money cause it aint yo face you a tip drill."
Over the past three weeks or so, Cavaliers color commentator Austin Carr seems be making a strong, perhaps concerted effort to bestow upon Zydrunas Ilgauskas a new nickname. The former Cavs legend seems enamored with Z’s ability to tip the ball to himself, to a teammate, or into the basket, all with the playful air of the tallest kid on the block playing keep away from the kids who have yet to experience puberty. Every time Z sticks his freakishly Lithuanian limbs in the air, Carr starts yelling something about the “Human Tip Drill.” Brilliant! Who knew Carr was so versed in the Midwestern hip-hop stylings of Nelly? ... Yes, Austin, Z does fit the definition of “tip drill,” which, according to Nelly and his scholarly friends, the St. Lunatics, is either a woman with a great body but an ugly face, or a man who is ugly but possesses vast quantities of scrilla. Now Z is not the ugliest dude in the world. He didn’t make the Phat Phree's NBA All-Ugly Team or anything. But let's face it: He's not going to be gracing the pages of Esquire any time soon. It's safe to say that if you see any young women in ILGAUSKAS jerseys stalking Saint George Parish, they ain’t there for the Skilandis feed. (He's married, by the way, so if you see such ladies, feel free to tell their money-grubbing asses to focus their efforts elsewhere). So, here’s what we do: Much like they used to play “Go DJ” -- a much superior song, by the way -- for Damon Jones, the Cavs now have to play the Tip Drill video (see above) whenever Z enters the game, makes a shot, or generally unleashes his Lithuanian giant-ness. It’s tailor-made, really. Just imagine the scene: Next Sunday against the Bulls. The PA announcer pumps up the crowd with a big, “Zydruuuuuuuuunaaaaaas Ilgauuuuuuuuuuskaaassss." Then, on the Jumbo Tron, Nelly and friends croon delicately, "I said it must be ya money cause it aint yo face you a tip drill." Austin Carr flicks dollar bills at the Cavs dance team. All the while, Zydrunas C-walks down the court before crashing awkwardly into the visiting bench, tearing Larry Hughes' meniscus and ending his career, thus eliminating the all-to-real possibility that Hughes returns to All-Star form just to spite the Cavs. Like we said: Brilliant. – Vince Grzegorek

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