Cleveland will be functioning today! Enjoy your visit!


In the City the Never Works, hosting a presidential debate can create some heartburn. Suddenly, City Hall needs to appear efficient at tasks that are usually set to rest on blocks on the front yard. For example, Andrea Taylor, a spokeswoman for Mayor Frank Jackson, was quoted in The Plain Dealer today promising to actually plow the roads, lest the city be embarrassed on national TV. “We know how important this debate is to the city,” she said. “We’re going to pay special attention to all of downtown with all of the activity that’s going on…” Excellent. That means for today – and today only – we are going to behave like a functioning city. Among the highlights you can expect: Tremont robberies: If your car window is smashed, you can expect a cop to arrive within half an hour, instead of the usual four days and 37 minutes. Water department: Only five contracts will be hawked for Tribe tickets, rather than the normal 13. And if a pipe bursts on East 9th, there’s a 50-50 chance someone may try to fix it, up from the usual 4 percent. Thank you, and enjoy your visit to Cleveland! – Lisa Rab


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