Learn how to racially profile and accept graft at Cleveland's Citizen Police Academy!


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You know how cops are always dragging you out of your vehicle and beating you because you’re black? Well, if such finer points of law enforcement interest you, we have the perfect learning experience for you! In April, the Cleveland Police Department will be holding two free seven-week “Citizen Police Academies.” ... Participants — presumably all of them criminals there to learn police techniques so they can better evade them — will learn about a different aspect of police work every week, from search and seizure to internet crimes to DUI traffic-stop procedure. The seventh week will be a graduation ceremony, in which students will “receive a certificate, and a little pin that says police academy,” according to a program spokeswoman. No, it does not mean you can now take bribes. Good thinking though. Reference this Plain Dealer bulletin for more information. Also, if you’re uninitiated with the wackiness that goes on in the Cleveland.com forums, the comments attached to the bulletin are a nice little glimpse. I especially appreciate the stylings of “Tonelli,” who writes:
“I'll be looking forward to seeing the complaining white citizens of Cleveland over there, since I'm a citizen of Geauga County I won't qualify but I'll be there simply to observe the crowd. You'll recognize me by a jean jacket that has ‘Rastafari’ written across the back. Or a black BMW which will likely be parked away from other vehicles. Feel free to approach me about doing something in the community or anything I write that disturbs you...”
Now that’s how you make a thinly-veiled threat online. Oh, and if you’re waiting for the requisite Police Academy joke, you might as well give up. We decided it was too easy. By the way, each class can accommodate 25 students, but if the line’s too long when you get there, maybe you can draw everybody out of line by making air raid sounds with your mouth. Gus Garcia-Roberts


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