Lance Allred, the deaf Mormon satirist and 14th-string big man, resigns with the Cavs


C-Notes is putting the over/under on weeks until Lance Allred buys a Hummer at nine. Any takers?
We spent the weekend trying to think of some Mormon or Jane Austen jokes with which to break this news. But there’s just something about Lance Allred – could it be the smarts, the humor, maybe the incredible obstacle-hurdling life story? – that sucks the cynicism right out of us. So I guess we’ll just have to spill it: Lance is staying in Cleveland! That’s right, your favorite literary satirist/professional basketball player was signed last week for the rest of this season and – are you sitting down? – next year too! That’s like the equivalent of 38 consecutive 10-day contracts! (Don’t bother checking our math, we know it’s wrong). ... With his voicemail full of messages from well-wishers, Lance hasn’t had a chance to return our calls and give details on just how much scrilla he stands to make from his new gig. So the question is: what does Lance blow his money on first? New house? New car? Platinum-encrusted pendant bearing his name? One footnote from our time with Lance seems to suggest the answer will not be found at the local Cadillac dealership. “You will never see me buy into that game,” said Allred. “I’ll drive used cars my entire life.” In the summer between school years, Lance watched his father sell cars. Seeing customers get in way over their heads for a depreciating investment left an impression on Lance, who, when he isn’t riding around in the Trailblazer provided to him by the Cavs, squeezes his nearly 7-foot frame into an old Nissan Altima. Still, C-Notes can’t help but wonder: will Lance be changed by his new-found wealth? Given his parent’s never-ending support and the humility forced upon him by his hearing impairment, we’re hopeful he won’t. But, just in case, we have a message for our favorite bench-warmer: LANCE ALLRED, PLEASE BACK AWAY FROM THE ESCALADE. – Caleb Hannan


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