The Tribe: Matt Underwood’s play-by-play ... of Roberto Clemente’s grooming habits


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If you watch Indians baseball on Sports Time Ohio, you know that Matt Underwood is the play-by-play announcer. You also know he kinda sucks. Case in point: Last night, in the 5th inning, Ryan Garkonoponopolous came to bat in a 3-0 game with one man on. He nailed a homer over the left-field fence. Problem is, Underwood completely missed the call, and was instead jabbering on about Roberto Clemente’s hair and something to do with chickens. It’s not like the game was already 10-1. This was a key moment in a tight game, and Underwood already seemed disinterested. ... Here's how it went down: On the first pitch, Garko fouls one off. 0-1. Underwood begins talking about Roberto Clemente and how when he was in a slump, he said he had four at bats per game, and three strikes per at bat, so he had twelve swings to get just one good one and break out of a slump. Underwood thinks Jhonny Peralta should take this approach. On the next pitch, Garko fouls another one off. Underwood makes no mention of this. Rick Manning says that it’s a silly idea and that clearly; Jhonny Peralta, he muses, is not Roberto Clemente, a pretty good point. Next pitch is a ball. 1-2. Underwood makes no mention of this development. He instead defends his statement about Clemente and Peralta. Manning calls the idea of hacking 12 times in one game a “panic approach.” Next pitch, Garko slams it for a dinger. Here’s exactly what Underwood says: “Well, Roberto Clemente was rather eccentric. He also believed you shouldn’t wash your hair with hot water. His philosophy was, ‘Why do you think they scold chickens before they pluck them.’” By this time, the ball is over the fence and onto the home run deck and being fought over by fans. Finally, Underwood says: “Ryan Garko, gone to Souvenir City, onto the home run porch.” Well played, Matt. But tell me, what kind of conditioner did Clemente use? – Vince Grzegorek



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