Something called 'soccer' to be broadcast on bar TVs today


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In soccer, it seems, the jerseys are made out of smooth, silky human skin.
As most of northeast Ohio remains in mourning after the unfortunate series loss to the Boston Celtics and their collection of aliens, the rest of the world is hyping up for a sports match of the century. Chelsea F.C. will battle Manchester United F.C. for the Champions league title today at 2 p.m, and The Pub in Rocky River will open early to broadcast the game live on HD. There will be $4 pints and a special on fish and chips. On the east side, Cleveland Heights' Pub on Lee is also a noted soccer hang. If we're making absolutely no sense to you right now, worry not. This is a blog about soccer, the sport we hear about every four years when Mia Hamm and that snooty goalie with the strange name, Hope Solo, take over ESPN for a few weeks, disrupting our regular viewing of the pro bowling and superceding Mel Kiper Jr.’s mock mock draft. ... But Wednesday's game doesn't have anything to do with soccer chicks from the suburbs. And it pretty much has nothing to do with the United States. But just trust us. This game will be worth it. First a quick break down about the Champion's League Tournament: Entrance to this tournament makes the BCS look like an elementary math equation. We once spent an entire afternoon trying to understand the process with a futbol afficianado from Spain without any success. But basically, it's a championship tournament that pits all the best clubs in Europe and several more in the former USSR against one another. The winner of the tournament can consider themselves the top team of the old world. Only instead of champagne, the winning team celebrates by colonizing an African nation. Of smashingly good news is that tomorrow's championship game pits two teams from the same country against one another. Both Chelsea and Manchester United hail from bloody England. This will be the first ever all-English Champion's League final. Think of it like the Spurs and the Suns playing for the NBA championship. But with a bunch of drunken hooligans who flaunt poor dental hygiene and scarves. The game will feature the world's greatest soccer player, Cristiano Ronaldo (ManU) and his scruffy arsed buddy Wayne Rooney (ManU) against a team stacked full of triple threat players from the Chelsea squad like Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard, and Michael Ballack. We know this doesn't make much sense, but these names are in the same athletic tier as Tim Duncan, Chris Paul, and Kobe Bryant. And actually, minus a rape scandal, Cristiano Ronaldo plays soccer with the same smug prettiness as Bryant plays hoops. He's easy to hate yet constantly amazes the fans. Here's a clip. So, head out to The Pub. Bring a jersey, and get ready to chant till you fall over, punch your buddy in the face, and light his car on fire. And no. David Beckham will not be playing. – Bradley Campbell

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