Team Impact wonders: What Would Jesus Inject?


Boiled down to its core, the message of evangelical strongmen group Team Impact can be summarized by the following statements: (a) Don’t expect to get past the pearly gates if you can’t beat St. Peter in a greco-roman wrestling match, (b) Forget what you think about Heaven, it’s actually a non-stop Royal Rumble-style brawl, (c) God is totally cool with steroids. ... Team Impact, which makes a stop by the Grace Christian and Missionary Alliance Church in Middleburg Heights this weekend, preaches religion with muscle. In between the God stuff, the collection of former NFLers, bodybuilders, and Olympians break shit – bricks, blocks of ice, wood, concrete, your apathetic and lapsed sense of morality, etc. I’m pretty sure this is what Charles Kingsley and Thomas Hughes had in mind with Muscular Christianity; they were just waiting for the advent of performance enhancing drugs to take the concept to its pinnacle. If faith is measured by Body Mass Index, bench presses, and vein-busting, inhuman, chemical muscles, these dudes are a shoe-in for the eternal strong man competition in the sky. You? God doesn’t like scrawny people. Hit the gym. Come back when you can break 10 pieces of solid concrete with your forehead. Team Impact performs feats of strength tonight, Saturday, and Sunday at 7 p.m. at the Grace Christian and Missionary Alliance Church, 7393 Pearl Rd. Admission is free. HGH not included. – Vince the Polack

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