The O'Brien Factor, starring Barack Obama as president/closet terrorist


We read Kevin O'Brien so you don't have to ... Column: President Obama at the Negotiating Table, May 21, 2008 Topic: After Dubya Bush’s vague inferences about Obama appeasing terrorists, Kevin goes on a riff of Hendrixian proportions that has President Obama chatting with America’s enemies. Kevin's Sanity Level Today: 1.7 percent What Your Head Would Feel Like if You Read it Yourself: You have the worst hangover of your life. And Swedish death metal is playing on loop through headphones stapled to your ears. Now lay your woozy head down on some pavement as your Republican brother-in-law slowly backs over it with the rear wheel of his burnt-orange Hummer. Charting Kevin's Logic: ... 1. Kevin is the one-remaining newspaper columnist this side of the Chattanooga Baptist Bulletin who still openly admires George W. Bush. So when the Commander made a recent speech denouncing “appeasers”—likely the same Lincoln-esue address that also denounced “haters”—Kevin marked in his diary that Bush moved past Alan Keyes and into a tie with General E. Lee in his rankings of America’s Bestest Ever Thinkers. 2. Kevin was even happier to hear that Barack Obama took Bush’s remarks as a swipe at his promised diplomacy with Iran. The “very junior senator from the state of naivete” is too defensive, Kevin writes, as victory fireworks and a Browns Stadium full of conservatives chanting his name fill the fiery recesses of his mind. After all, Bush didn’t say Obama’s name once. Unless it was a trap laid for Obama, with all his love for talking things out, that Bush wryly laid like the Looney Tunes Roadrunner himself. In which case, Kevin’s long-stated assertions that Dubya is Steven Hawking with motor skills are one again proved correct. 3. Kevin’s tired. Can he get to the part where Obama has become president, and now he’s forced, by his own naïve talk-it-out mentality, to conference call with Kim Jong Il, Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Bashar Assad, Osama bin Laden, Raul Castro, and Jimmy Carter, enemies of America all? Oh boy, this is going to be good. Kevin just took a few Percodans, his wife brought him an iced tea with a lemon wedge, and his creative juices are flowing. He’s thinking when it’s printed maybe he’ll send a copy to the White House, see if he can’t get Ol’ Dubs cracking up. 4. We’re not going to subject you to the mental waterboarding that would be hearing a summary of Kevin’s cerebrum-melting script. All you need to know is Kevin compares Michelle Obama to Ahmadinejad, has Jimmy Carter calling for the death of America, and a cowed Barack forced to go along with it all. Obama’s “perfectly modulated, hypnotically beguiling voice” (read: black guy not talking in ‘70s street jive) is the only trick that got him into the White House, after all — and his magical charms don’t work on these snakes. -- Gus Garcia-Roberts


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