Feagler: Time for the dame to take a curtsy and shove off


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Today's topic: Hillary Clinton… I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: This Hillary Clinton needs to get her head out of the mud before them god damn elephants trample over the one good show pony left. ... Why, back in my day, we didn’t stay in an election past our due. If we knew there was no hope, we’d step aside and let a Roosevelt take control. Cripple or not, hey’d set our country on course one pistol shot at a time. And if Ol’ Teddy was walking in your pumps right now, Hil, he’d bow out strong and faithful, shove a sword in his gut, and call it a day. It would be an American sword, too, stolen from the corpse of a dixie foot soldier at Fort Sumter. Not some feeble bayonet nicked from a tourist cart parked alongside the freedom trail in Boston. Also, back in my day, we didn’t stand in the way of the blacks. If a black guy moved to our part of the town, we moved out. We didn’t have a single problem with Mr. Bojangles looking dapper alongside Shirley Temple, just so long as she went home that night with Dean Martin. Yep, black men were just fine with us then, and this black guy we got is fine with us now. He smiles a lot and sounds like Sam Cooke, who the missus puts on whenever she’s feeling frisky. Why, back in my day, we didn’t make threats about getting the voices of Florida heard. If somebody in Florida was shouting, we’d send them back to Cuba on a cardboard boat. If they were complaining, we’d smear some tanning oil on their backs and check them into an Alzheimer's clinic. And if they threatened our chances in the general election, we’d put an alligator into their pool and then watch from a nearby hammock, sipping on a pina colada with Dom Deluise as they dive-in to their unsuspecting doom. And they’d be the good American pina coladas too, ones where the glass is a pineapple, and the straw does loopy-loops, and… This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

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