Beachwood kid bounced from spelling bee, added to list of Cleveland’s agony

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Red Right 88. The Catch. The Drive. The Fumble. The Shot. Jose Mesa. Thymele. That’s right, goddamnit, we’re adding it to the list. If you didn’t watch this year’s Scripps Spelling Bee on Friday night, you’re lucky. We’re just now getting out of bed. We still don’t feel up to eating solid foods. Our girlfriend, who knows the drill, is staying in Berea with her mom for the next week. ... Scott Remer is the 13-year old whiz from Beachwood who spelled his way to the finals in D.C. The kid’s got Barfieldesque talent—he made pyelonephritis and oceanodromous his outright bitch. We hung on every letter. To up the supsense, we covered the word on the bottom of the screen with our hand. Early on, he didn’t disappoint. But then, guess what? He became Pronk. He choked. Just like the Browns against Cincinnati in the last week of last season. Just like the Cavs against Boston. Just like every time Cleveland gets so close to Glory that we almost—almost—open that bottle of Freixenet we’ve had in the fridge for 44 years. The last area kid to win the tournament was William Kerek of Akron, who correctly spelled psycophant in 1964, the same year the Browns won the city’s last title. We haven’t won since -- further proof that Cleveland must’ve done something to really annoy God that year. (Strange, because Arsenio Hall was actually born in 1956.) Sadly, it wasn’t the first time Scott’s broken our heart. Last year, he bailed in the fifth round with “stramineous,” which sounds like a word made up by Don King. – Gus Garcia-Roberts

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