Are you a bastard? Scene seeks an actor for a new short video series, "Ask a Bastard." Must be able to deliver long lines, laced with both big words and obscenities, with confidence and a pleasing sneer. (Think Denis Leary, Lewis Black, Chris Rock, Patton Oswald.)
To audition, send an mpeg of yourself reading the text from any two of the exchanges below to email@example.com. Please write "ask a bastard" in the subject line of your e-mail. Videos will become the property of Scene, and we may post them online.
Dear Bastard: My boyfriend wants me to go to a strip club with him and get a lap dance. I admit I'm kind of curious, but I'm bothered by how excited he is about it. That seems wrong. What should I do?
Dear Dumbtard: Here's a short and incomplete list of things guys like: 1) Watching strippers. 2) Watching chicks getting it on. 3) When the chicks they sleep with are cool with porn and strippers. You haven't indicated any problem with your BF going to a strip club as such, and you admit to curiosity yourself, but you object to your BF being excited by you in a strip club? Don't be a dumbshit. He's trying to include you in an activity he enjoys. If you're kind of curious, fucking go with him and get a lap dance. Nobody's forcing you to go back a second time if you're not into it, right? On the other hand, if you're the type of GF who's gonna point at every dancer in the place and ask your man if he thinks she's hotter than you, spare him the hassle and stay the fuck home. Strippers are hotter than girlfriends. That's their job.
Dear Bastard: I'm a college student, and when I go home for the holidays my mother is going to expect me to go to church with the family. The thing is, I don't really believe in God anymore, but if I tell my mother that, she's going to freak out.
Dear Godless Pinko Scumbag: So don't tell her. Just go to fuckin' church. It's what, an hour or two out of your whole winter break? You're an adult now, yet they're still putting you up for free, right? So don't fuck with their Jesus-buzz at a time when it's heavily on their minds, or you'll have become that toxically self-involved asshole - and college students are highly susceptible to this pernicious form of assholery - who feels that his/her "principled" stand is actually more important than having a chill holiday with the fam. Think of the shrill dickhead vegan who trainwrecks Thanksgiving every year by ranting about poultry farming conditions during the meal. Do you want to be that awful cunt? Now eventually, you absolutely must share your beliefs with your family, lest you be a hypocrite. Just don't be an ass about it and save it for when it's not immediately pertinent. Casually discussing agnosticism sometime during the summer is far preferable to stridently proselytizing atheism when you're all on your way out the door on Easter Sunday morning.
Dear Bastard: My friend just got a Tasmanian Devil tattoo. He thinks it's awesome. I think it makes him look like a tool. Who's right?
Dear Friend of Frat-trash: You are right. You are inarguably right. Unequivocally right. Your rightness in this matter is a shining goddamn beacon of reasoned, level-headed thinking cutting razor-like through a thick, douchewaddy fog. You didn't ask me this, but I would strongly urge you to ditch this friend. Get him out of your life before he date-rapes someone you love. Do it. I swear you will thank me for this.