THEY'RE HERE

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Stand down, amateur apparition hunters: Cleveland just got its very own Ghostbusters. The non-profit Munroe Falls Paranormal Society, at your service.

The seven-member crew includes a historian, an electrical engineer, a psychic and a fear counselor, boasting 40-plus years of investigative know-how. And it just announced in a professional-enough release that it’s expanding its turf to include all of Northeast, Northwest and Central Ohio. And just in time: Chief among our area’s most pressing woes is this glut of do-nothing ghosts watching all of us fuck.

77b4/1240894010-ghosts.jpg“While MFPS offers its services free of charge, we are still able to provide a professional quality investigative service utilizing the latest technologies and practices in the paranormal research and investigation field,” the statement reads. “The MFPS team provides community support for home owners, property owners, business owners, historical sites or anywhere this phenomena may be reported to exist.”

Though he’s been looking into paranormal activity for two decades — the result, he says, of experiencing a “dark mass, or shadow person,” in a house in Bratenahl — Eric Haney (programmer and engineer by day, MFPS founder and lead investigator by night) didn’t start the group until about two years ago in his sleepy little town of Munroe Falls. Population: about 5,000. Total stoplights: two. Most famous resident: murderer Richard Cooey, chief contributor to the psychic malaise.

“This is obviously self-boasting, but we’re one of the better paranormal organizations,” he says. They make a decent case, with histories, legends and a long list of important-sounding equipment at their disposal.

“There’s people who’re terrified in their homes, wanting to sell their homes,” says Haney, “This investigation we had in Massillon, these people were going to sell their home and leave because they didn’t understand what was going on. But over the course of a few months, we were able to pinpoint that what they had going on was paranormal, but it wasn’t anything that was going to hurt them. We did counseling through the process, and now they’re much more comfortable in their home. To us, it’s satisfying to help these individuals.”

And other times, he says, a perfectly good explanation is to be had. In an alleged case (they conveniently can’t reveal their clients) out of Cuyahoga Falls, a woman thought she was seeing ghosts and it was really just that she was sensitive to the high electromagnetic field being put off by her old-ass alarm clock. They switched it out. Problem solved.

“We have a scientific approach toward this,” he says. “We don’t go in 100 percent sure that there is paranormal activity. We look at all the possibilities of natural phenomena before we even take something as paranormal.”

So, what? They go in 95 percent sure? That’s the way we want our Ghostbusters, though. Right?

Email the group at ehaney@munroe-falls-paranormal-society.com or call 330.328.1215. Or you can just channel some fresh brainwaves to their psychic, Ava: She’ll feel your vibe and return the message by the end of the next business day. — Dan Harkins

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