by Kyle Swenson
Warning: This post contains language and images that may not be suitable for children. Parental discretion is advised.
Up here from our perch in the ivory tower of journalism (aka the bar at Applebee’s), the Scene staff has an affinity for one part of the job in particular: reader comments. Those little boxes tagged to the end of stories give you guys your own piece of the show, a way to sing praise and fire off criticism. In all honestly, we love the connection — it keeps us humble. We write, you read. You write, we read. It’s that big circuit of fuzzy love we call journalism 2.0.
In the spirit of year-end retrospects, we’ve combed the comments. Here are our favorites, in no particular order, from the thoughtful and polished to invectives and long-streams of near incomprehensible rambling. Enjoy, and please keep it up.
First off, we have GreasedMonkey, who chimed in on a discussion of the city of Cleveland’s government proposals with this promise:
I have decided to save all my toilet paper I wipe my ass with and send it to City Hall so they can use it to write more crappy ass laws, rules and regulations on. If it sounds like shit, if it feels like shit, if it is a shitty law, then it ought to smell like shit too. They treat us TAXPAYERS like shit, so may as well maintain the status quo.
This summer Scene posted a story about the Columbus fire department’s need to switch to stretchers that can carry people who weigh up to 1000lbs. The story kicked up cage fighting in the comment section over obesity. Poster JC73 threw this into the discussion:
As usual, the Elite skinny people have written off everyone in society who doesnt live up to their expectations. The truth is that obesity can be caused from any number of things . . .
Which earned the following riposte from commentor hawhaw:
HEY JC73 I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND YOU BEACUSE YOUR MOUTH IS FULL OF CAKE
Michael Gallucci, Scene’s in-house critic for all things music and movie related, is forced to field a lot of flak for his opinions. An occupational hazard. Some online commentators, however, like to air their feelings after Gallucci’s sniper fire has taken down an act or flick they hold dear. After a bad review of crap act 30 Seconds to Mars, HATEstupidwriters had this to contribute:
HEY MICHAEL! Got 3 words for you! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Green Mars concurred, and clarified the proper technique:
FUCKIN LIAR!!! FUCK YOURSELF IN YOUR ASS HOLE!!!!!!!!!!
Another popular post this year was about the impending war with Canada. User cbrbart informed us about what we can expect on the battlefield and ended with some choice words about a certain Cleveland suburb:
Hey now...One of my VERY best friends and old Fraternity Brother is part Canadian AND British...But that doesn't mean he wouldn't stick a shiv in my back and steal the cold Moleson Ice right out of my hand as I fall to the ground dead... Yessir...We got a problem and I say Parma is kicked out of any protection from the Geneva Convention, that way they can work out all their aggressions and go apeshit on the hilbillies that are squatting there. After a few death squad rounds to cull the herd they'll feel good enough to sit down and work this thing out like adults...
Another online debate started after Scene questioned the city of Cleveland’s decision to outfit the city with new recycling cans that would electronically track who’s taken the trash to the curb. We thought it was a dumb waste of money. T13 begged to differ:
Kyle Swenson you are an idiot. this is a great idea. Things cost money, dipshit. i live in West Park, home of the laid off drunk by noon union worker, and Irish(really american, but think they are soooo Irish cause they are catholic and their daughter is in step dancing classes)unhappily married to a fireman or cop, so i sit at the public house all day, yelling at my kids via cellphone, house wives, and i gaurantee hardly anyone takes their recyclables out. this is a great idea.
Honestly, that right there paints a picture.
And finally, we have our favorite comment of the year. No one was closer in creative invective. This one came after Web Editor extraordinaire Vince Grzegorek’s post about a homeowner who put his house on the market and insulted LeBron in one fell swoop. Commentor Roy Q didn’t like our writer’s logic (emphasis ours):
One thing that can be said for sure, Vince Grzegorek is a goddamn MO-ron. This guy at the corner of Amberwood and Akins is a marketing GENIUS. If this bastard doesn's sell that shit-box of a house in the next 30 days, i'll knit ol' Grz a new cock ring.
There is nothing crass, crude or untoward about that sign. Sex sells. Have you seen a Bud Lite commercial lately, dipshit. Last year i sold my '86 Ford F-150 ding nothing more than parking it on a corner of 303 in Brunswick with a sign that said "FOR SALE $5000 O.B.O— COMES WITH FREE ASS FUCK" it sold in 48 hours for $6450 and i ass fucked the hell outta to dude that bought it. So there's that.
Hey Grezegorek, you outta stop in and get your fudge tunnel flushed, might help you think better, ya cock sore. Just sayin'