Woman Assaults Boyfriend With Ham Sandwich

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Police were called to a domestic disturbance in Columbia Township after a woman allegedly hit her boyfriend with a ham sandwich. Go head, take a minute and read that sentence again.

The comestible combat began after 47-year-old Corrine Gattarello told Robert McDaniel she wanted to break up because he drank too much. That's when the delicious deli meats started flying. Gatterello alleges McDaniel hit her on the back of the head, which he denies, telling cops that he didn't "hit his girlfriend physically, but mentally." OK... She then hurled the sandwich in question.

The media accounts of the pork projectile really make this story, though. Witness the beautiful sentences constructed and absurd details relayed by reporters and police in an effort to give you, the reader, a clear picture of the incident.

From the Lorain Morning Journal's account, we have this gem: "Police scanner traffic indicated the man was unable to provide deputies with a full description of the sandwich, such as whether it was toasted or untoasted."

Which rivals closely this nugget: "Deputies located a slice of bread on the floor, but suspect the family dog ate the ham, according to the report."

But so many questions still remain. What kind of ham was it? Honeybaked? Black forest? Shaved or thickly sliced? Did she have mustard on the sandwich? Because everyone knows a ham sandwich is no good without mustard. Here's to hoping that the Lorain Morning Journal does a followup investigative story.

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