Good afternoon, Cleveland. Here's some stuff to read while you wonder what a 119-year-old woman looks like in a sportsbra.
— There's supposedly a 119-year-old woman in Warrensville Heights. Her family wants her certified as the oldest living person in the U.S., but the Guinness people need a birth certificate to make it official. Alas, all this woman's family has is a letter from the Social Security Administration. All those years for naught. (NewsNet5)
— FYI for all you athletic women out there: Cleveland's new lingerie football team is holding tryouts this Sunday. FYI for all you pervy men out there: Cleveland's new lingerie football team is holding tryouts this Sunday. (NewsNet5)
— Ohio has ruled a funeral home can't liquefy dead bodies and dispose of them in the sewer. Turns out it's totally safe and environmentally friendly, they're just concerned about the possibility of alligators drinking the post-human remains and becoming zombie alligators. (AP)
— The Ohio Senate voted to give schools five calamity days like they used to. Extra two can be used for snow or an invasion by zombie alligators. (AP)