Richard Hennessey Caught Masturbating at Mentor Super K-Mart

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K-Mart: Not the public library computer room.
  • K-Mart: Not the public library computer room.

Place: Holding Cell, Mentor Police Station.
Time: Monday afternoon

Inmate 1: Man, I’ve been in here for hours. What you in for?
Inmate 2: I hear that, my man. I’m OVI, you?
Inmate 1: Child support payments. What about you over there?
Inmate 3: I got caught masturbating at Super K Mart. Before lunch. In the men's department.

Awkward silence.

Inmate 3 would be Richard A. Hennessey, the 28-year old caught choking his Kojak at the Super K-Mart in Mentor on Monday. According to the News-Herald, a loss prevention professional, usually the ones on the look-out for shoppers putting stuff into their clothing, spotted Hennessey hangin’ brains in the men’s department at around 10:42 a.m.

As the onanist made for the door, he was arrested by police. He’s been wrung up on charges of first-degree public indecency, a misdemeanor. If convicted, he could serve six months in jail, where he'll have plenty of time to himself. Zing!

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