The Quality of Cleveland Life Report

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Your guide to thriving in fabulous Cleveland.

Reign of Terror Ends: U.S. forces track down and kill terrorist mastermind Osama bin
Laden; declassified documents reveal Frank Russo had him on the auditor’s payroll.

Smoke Gets in Your Legs: Billionaire Clevelander and noted marijuana enthusiast Peter B. Lewis pours money into effort to legalize pot in Ohio. Should it pass, Lewis invites all voters to use his prosthetic leg as a bong.

Martian Tourism: New footage from Eastlake purports to show UFOs hovering over Lake Erie. This makes total sense, given that space creatures are widely known to love walleye.

This Week's Index: You’re feeling like Slider, with a drunken fan humping your supple, purple backside.

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