Man Steals Underwear After Stealing Diapers


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Underpants gnomes.
  • Underpants gnomes.

The headline of this original post, courtesy of 19ActionNews, is, without a doubt, the best headline of 2011 thus far: “Man steals underwear, arrested while praying.”

It doesn’t get much better than that. Journalism students need to print that sucker off and stick it above their laptops — it says so little, yet so much. Can we get that on a T-shirt? A bumper sticker?

Once you get down into the details, there’s a lot going on with this one. Paranoia. Religion. Underwear. And drugs. Lots and lots of (okay, only probable) drugs.

24-year-old Marques Jeter was “shopping” at Family Dollar in Elyria when he was reportedly unnerved with how an employee “came at him,” (Got to say, we’re on board so far — sales people at stores are so aggressive on the floor these days, hihowareyou, niceweather, findingeverythingokay, justsoyouknowthereisthissaletoday — it never ends); but instead of politely walking away, Jeter ran out the door clutching unpaid-for packages of underwear.

Police were alerted, and traced Jeter to the nearby United Church of Christ. No kidding, a Narcotics Anonymous meeting was going on when police arrived. When officers found Jeter he was spread out facedown on the floor “praying in an ‘unintelligible manner.’” Police suspect he was under the influence.

But wait: here’s the kicker: this was the second time Jeter was cuffed in 24 hours. Earlier that day he was arrested for stealing diapers from a Rite-Aid.

You can’t make this stuff up.

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