Avon Resident Calls Cops About Illegal Immigrants, Except Not Really


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Which way to Avon, OH?
  • "Which way to Avon, OH?"

This choice police blotter item from the Sun News this morning deserves a line-by-line breakdown. Let's jump right in.


Land where defenses of racial diversity usually include: "I'm friends with this black guy at work."

SUSPICIOUS CONDITION, SCHWARTZ ROAD: Police received a report on Aug. 6 from a nearby resident about two carloads of “illegal immigrants”

Illegal immigrants in Avon? Two carloads of them? Round up the SWAT team. The caller, having not seen a minority in Avon who wasn't washing dishes or mowing lawns, did the right thing. Without vigilance, western suburbs could go the way of Texas crossing posts — havens for illegal activity, violence, police, and BW3s, where all manner of miscreants gather for fake passports, reasonably priced chicken wings, and other nefarious affairs.

at the east end of the park who were changing clothes in plain sight, acting in an intimidating manner and who the caller thought were preparing to have some kind of “hootenanny.”

Now we get some hints as to who the caller might be. First of all, clearly older than 60. More likely, in the 75-90 range. No one has used the word "hootenanny" since 1934. But we'll forgive the antiquated language because of his/her eagle eye. Illegal immigrants gathering and changing clothes? Now things are getting serious. They were probably donning Gap shirts and khakis from Macy's to blend in with the public. If they weren't stopped, they would have seamlessly slipped from view, hidden in plain sight, gone forever. Good thing this concerned citizen alertly called the proper authorities STAT.

Police arrived on the scene to find the suspects were preparing to play a soccer game.

Um, oh, um, nevermind. Good luck with the game, fellas. Hey, are those new Adidas cleats? They make you look taller. I'm a big fan of soccer, you know. I talk about it all the time with this black guy I know at work.

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