Malt Liquor Bottle Causes Bomb Scare in Amherst

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  • Bruce Bishop, Chronicle Telegram

The two most important and enjoyable parts of this story are right up top. The headline basically explains the situation: Malt Liquor Bottle Causes Bomb Scare in Amherst. Self-explanatory.

And then there's the picture. Two officers of the law. One with his hands on his hips. Intense furrowed brow behind the cop glasses. The other undoubtedly on the phone to the CIA.

This is what happens when Amherst cops get a tip that someone left a suspicious bag in the road and mentioned blowing something up. They closed off streets, according to the Chronicle Telegram, and called in the bomb squad. Of course, it was just a bottle of King Cobra malt liquor.

Wonderful.

After the jump, we imagine the conversation the two cops are having while staring intently at the plastic bag.

Officer 1: Lou, what does that look like to you. C4? TNT? Pipe bomb?

Officer 2: No ideas, Louie. But it looks bad. Real bad.

Officer 1: Yeah, hi, this is officer Lou. We're going to need the bomb squad out here.

Dispatcher: Can you describe the bomb?

Officer 1: Yeah, we've got a bottle with an amber-colored liquid inside. I think the label is black. Not sure, but maybe there's a snake on it. Is a snake a sign that we've got domestic terrorists? I think I read that somewhere.

Dispatcher: Is it a cobra?

Officer 1: Yeah, maybe a cobra. Is that worse? Isn't cobra code for Al Qaeda?

Officer 2: Wait, that homeless guy over there is approaching the bag. Sir! Sir! Stop!

Officer 1: Yeah, dispatch, we've got a homeless guy acting suspiciously. He has opened the bag and is currently sniffing the liquid. Now he's drinking it. We're going to have to extend the perimeter. Is this how it will detonate?

Dispatcher: Lou, you are an idiot.

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