Scene's Draft Expert Breaks Down the NFL Draft

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Dude, that Fedorski guy is good.
  • "Dude, that Fedorski guy is good."

You’ve probably heard me on the radio in recent years saying something with an inordinate amount of bluster and confidence about the Browns and thought why, given my zero years on an NFL or college beat, you should consider me a “draft expert.”

Well thanks to the many hours logged watching video montages set to the theme for “Requiem for a Dream,” I’m able to definitively say that I’m ready to deliver the goods when it comes to parroted draft analysis that you’ve probably already heard from Kiper and McShay a week earlier.

Here are a few industry terms and their definitions on what I’m looking for from these players, some of which will be discordant from what you may read or heard from those that actually cover the NFL or work in front offices.

Culture Changer: Someone who can elevate a personnel group, a team, a community, or the ethos of an entire galaxy of people as we know it simply based on their ability to throw or catch a football.

Elite Quarterback: A QB who’s won a Super Bowl or been to multiple Super Bowls. I reserve the right to make the assessment after a QB wins a Super Bowl or attends multiple Super Bowls.

Moxie
: An abstract term that I’ll use to generalize players when I’ve exhausted all other industry terms or clichés and can’t necessarily nail down what distinguishes the one player from the next. It’s also a great stall technique when I have nothing to say. Kinda like “National Football League” and “generate offense” and "motor."

FEDORSKI BIG BOARD TOP 5

1. Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford — You know me, I hate to mimic the masses. But when you have a chance to take a guy like Andrew Luck with the skills of an Andrew Luck that can transform an organization as a culture changer the way Andrew Luck can, then it becomes a no-brainer to take him. He, without a doubt, will be an elite quarterback the minute he wins a Super Bowl.

2. Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor — For the sake of this argument, I’ll anoint RGIII an elite QB just based on the Heisman, but only so that I can rail on the Brown for not drafting an “elite quarterback.” He’s the type of culture changer that not only comes with moxie, but one that has all the requisite skill-sets you’d love for in a culture changing quarterback with moxie in the National Football League in terms of generating offense.

3. Matt Kalil, OT, USC — There are no highlight videos of offensive lineman on YouTube so I’ll trust the experts.

4. Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State — Saw him in that bowl game and he played awesome. Pay the man. Unless it turns out that he sucks, then you assholes wasted a lot of money. But that decision's on you. Until I judge it. Later.

5. Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU — The Big Ten is too slow so you have to go with an SEC guy I’ve heard of.

There it is. I may or may not be back with further analysis. It really depends on if my office fixes the internet so I can watch YouTube and if my dog accidentally deleted my DVR of Kiper and McShay talking on SportsCenter this morning.

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