The battle lines of suburbia are demarcated by white picket fences, the battleground itself littered with landmines of leaves, grass, porches, and other ticking bombs set to square off neighbor against neighbor. Hey, asshole, why don't you try painting your shutters so our property values don't go down? And really, a bonfire on a Monday night? Some of us have to work, dickweed. And I like sleeping with the windows open, but all I smell now is your dumb fire pit.
This is how wars start, brimming with passive aggressive taunts and muffled vulgarities. All it takes is one spark to set off the fuse, and in suburbia, early-morning mowing is perfect tinder.
Let's go out to Ashtabula County via the Star Beacon and check in on two neighbors whose disagreement over some A.M. grass trimming might end up in court.
The victim said he was cutting grass around 7 a.m. when a neighbor approached, grabbed the grass-cutter and told him to stop mowing because his 4-year-old daughter was sleeping, deputies said. As the mower was returning home, the neighbor returned, pushed the victim aside, shut off the tractor and then threatened harm if he didn’t stop mowing, according to a report.
Deputies spoke to the alleged assailant, who gave a different story. The man said his neighbor began cutting grass around 6 a.m., and ignored his request to delay mowing until 7 a.m. The man admitted shutting off the neighbor’s mower and making remarks, but denied issuing any threats, he told deputies.
We're no history buffs, but we're pretty sure this is what started the Hatfield and McCoy feud.