Via the PD, students at Cleveland State are in an uproar over increasingly draconian dorm policies effected this school year by college administrators as CSU transitions to a more residential campus. The changes were inspired by recommendations from American Campus Communities, a Texas company that claims to be “the nation’s largest developer, owner and manager of high-quality housing communities.” “High-quality” of course meaning, in the grand tradition of glossy collegiate promotional literature, “redolent of a Soviet prison.”
This year’s resident handbook for students outlines a number of tightened restrictions affecting student drinking and dorm visitors. For residents of legal drinking age, alcohol possession is limited to six 12-oz. cans of beer, one 375-ml bottle of liquor, or one standard bottle of wine per student. Residents of legal drinking age aren't allowed to drink in the presence of minors, even roommates. Students are not allowed to “consume from a common source container,” colloquially known as a “keg,” nor are they allowed to keep empty booze bottles in their room as “decorations.” The guidelines also threaten judicial action if students bring “guests” over between 2 and 6 a.m., tragically jeopardizing most students’ prospects of ever getting laid.
Dean of students James Drnek explained, “I’m sorry, but I have to balance safety against someone’s need to bring someone home they just met at a bar.” CSU spokesman Joe Mosbrook said that the policy changes reflect safety concerns particular to the “urban” campus.
Other creepily specific outlawed behaviors include using “curse words” in public, “water or shaving cream fights,” owning more than ten pounds of free weights, engaging in any “drinking game to accelerate or intensify the consumption of alcoholic beverages,” receiving more than two guests at a time, use of video or photographic equipment for non-academic purposes (a semantic loophole that thankfully spares dirty teacher-themed amateur porn productions), and “attire or lack thereof which exposes breasts and/or genitals.”
All we can say is: It’s about damn time. All that strenuous deadlifting, swearing, and Barbasol warfare previously so rampant on campus was a disgrace to the institution and a stain on our community, so we’re delighted someone finally took a stand and ensured that students will henceforth sate their recreational urges with marbles, hoop rolling, pig-bladder ball toss, and RuneScape—lively and constructive pastimes cherished for centuries by jocund collegiate youths. Oh, and drunk driving, which, as one student reported, the no-guests-after-2 policy virtually mandates.