Punxsutawney Phil, rodent weather oracle extraordinaire, done effed up this year—seriously, just look outside—and now Butler County, Ohio, is pissed on behalf of all Ohioans that Phil’s prediction of an early spring wasn’t exactly on point. The county’s prosecuting attorney, Michael Gmoser, filed an indictment, “The State of Ohio vs. Punxsutawney Phil,” that charges the little dude with “misrepresentation of early spring” and calls for the death penalty: “Since he's already serving a life sentence behind bars… there wasn't much left as far as a penalty other than a death sentence," Gmoser told Cincinnati’s Fox 19 News.
Our theory is that Dominion is manipulating the weather gods like the greedy, power-hungry puppeteer it is, and Phil is just a pawn in their sick game. That, or Phil did exactly what we do when we’re trying to hibernate and a bunch of guys dressed like 19th century railroad barons knock on our cages with enameled canes and demand that we prophecy vague meteorological phenomena—we get grumpy and confused.
Since Punxsutawney Phil has historically performed with a pitiable 39% accuracy rate, we propose finding a less fat and sleepy arbiter of spring tidings, maybe someone who dabbles in uppers and actually belongs behind bars. Like Lindsay Lohan.