by Eric Sandy
The book was released Oct. 18.
Originally posted June 18
Ne'er-do-wells wreaking havoc in sleepy Brimfield Township - near Akron and Kent - have more than just a slap on the wrist coming their way. Like a slap in the face. Book. Facebook.
Perhaps I should serve some sort of sentence for trying to craft a clever lede, but I'm safely outside Brimfield Township Police Chief David Oliver's jurisdiction. He's the guy who's garnered local renown for insulting criminals on the police department's Facebook page and generally keeping the people informed and entertained.
Here's a sample of his wit:
"If you use a handicapped space and you jump out of the vehicle, all healthy-like, as if someone is dangling free cheeseburgers on a stick, expect people to stare at you and get angry. You are milking the system and it aggravates those of us who play by the rules. Ignoring us does not make you invisible. We see you, loser."
Oliver's awesome outbursts have kicked the quiet Facebook page up into the neighborhood of 57,000 fans. There are only 10,400 people living in Brimfield. Oliver playfully attributes that success to the township's pleasantness. ""We smell good. And we are honest," he writes. He also says that Brimfield Township is behind only New York City and Boston in terms of popular police department Facebook pages.
All the while, he keeps his tone cheery as he harangues local mopes. ("A mope is a person who leeches off us and usually is engaged in criminal activity," he explains.) But his posts reflect the life and times of a man committed to his community. Sure, poking fun at mopes is great. But Oliver clearly wants to go beyond the mope-pokage.
"We do not believe everyone who has ever committed a crime is a mope," he writes. "People change. I am the unofficial spokesperson for turning it around. I was sort of wild in my younger days. I was not a criminal, but I lacked some character. Mrs. Chief changed all of that, because she is no nonsense. Shenanigans are fine. Nonsense is not. The point is as I have said before….once a mope, not always a mope. If you are a reformed mope, welcome."
Welcome to Brimfield Township, folks. Now don't you feel all warm and fuzzy.