Cleveland Metroparks Will Allow Guests to Hand-feed Birds — OH MY MERCIFUL LORD THIS IS ABSOLUTE HELL ON EARTH




Hey look! It's hell!

The Cleveland Metroparks are "gearing up" for a program which will allow guests to hand-feed nonmigratory birds. These pterodactyllic demons bear Harry-Potter-universe names like black-capped chickadee, tufted titmouse and white breasted nuthatch, and they will soon be sanctioned to EAT OUT OF YOUR HANDS.

Frank Sinatra and Ricky Nelson scarecrows will acclimate these repulsive winged creatures to human presence at the Brecksville Reservation. Rocky River, South Chagrin and North Chagrin will also provide hand feeding.

The program begins Dec. 21 and will run every day except Christmas through Dec. 31. Afterwards, the program will continue on weekends through the end of February 2014, when the demons of the sky begin their sick aerial mating rituals.

White breasted nuthatch, folks.

In lieu of having birds eat out of your hands, here are a few other ways I've decided I'd rather spend a December afternoon:

-Getting crucified.
-Filling out elaborate IRS paperwork.
-Reading binary code.
-Enduring The Wiggles Live.
-Enduring basically any form of non-tooth-related physical torture.
-Watching the Cleveland Cavaliers 2012-2013 losing streak on repeat, in slo-mo.
-Watching every Anthony Bennett three-point miss, on repeat, in slo-mo.
-Transcribing all of my AIM conversations from 2004-2006 by hand.
-Darning socks.
-Eating socks.
-Having dogs eat out of my hands.
-Having human children eat out of my hands.
-Having rabid, starving cheetahs eat out of my hands.
-Eating my hands.
-Killing birds.

But if you hate birds as much as I do, there's always nature walks. And here's the worst scene from the worst movie ever made.

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