ATTN: STATE TREASURER JOSH MANDELMandel, in recent news, refused to debate his Democratic challenger Connie Pillich at the City Club, news which City Club CEO Dan Moulthrop called a "real loss" for Ohio voters. Mandel, could gain some real ground, though, if he starts paying everyone's unpaid college cable and cell phone bills.
My name is Mike Polk and I reside in Cleveland. I'm in a bit of a pickle and I would appreciate your assistance.
I have been receiving frequent notices in the mail from a collection agency called "Convergent Outsourcing" regarding a debt that they are attempting to collect.
The alleged debt is for an unpaid AT&T Wireless bill from back in 2001, at which time I was still attending Kent State University. I am attaching a copy of the latest notice for your reference. I do not recall failing to pay any bills during that time, however I must admit that I don't remember a lot from that period of my life (college, am I right? LOL). So it is entirely possible that I owe this money.
The bill is for $236.06, but they have offered me a handsome settlement opportunity that, for a limited time, would allow me to settle the debt for half the price. ($118.03).
Frankly, that is still a little rich for my blood. And I am having a difficult time justifying writing out a check for services that I may or may not have received over a decade ago.
That's why I have decided to write to you, my State Treasurer. I have been reading recently about the way that you helped Benjamin Suarez when he approached you in his hour of need. He was another Ohio citizen like me, just a regular Joe, who came to you with a problem. Given, his problem was a bit more advanced as his company was being sued for massive consumer deception, but that didn't cause you to hesitate. You looked him right in the eye and said, "Ben, I am your duly elected civil servant, and I am here to help you. Now please just illegally funnel 100 thousand dollars into my Senate campaign and I will put my signature onto anything that you put in front of me without question, regardless how specious or suspect.
And once that 100K had been provided you went straight to the work of defending your constituent by printing out the letter that he wrote for you verbatim on your State of Ohio stationary and then signing it.
That is precisely the sort of support that I am looking for right now.
Just to be totally forthcoming, I don't have 100 thousand dollars to offer you legally or illegally. But I know that this won't stop you from advocating on my behalf.
I recognize that you're a busy man so in order to spare you the hassle I have prepared a letter for you to sign, just like Mr. Suarez did. Being as that the letter will be coming from you I tried to capture your voice and I think I nailed it. All you have to do now is print it onto your official stationary and then send it to the collection agency. Please note that my decision to use all capital letters was intentional as I find that it denotes a sense of urgency.
Thank you in advance for your assistance in this matter and huzzah for Democracy!
Mike Polk Jr.
(Below is the letter to be signed by Treasurer Mandel, unaltered, and then sent to Convergent Outsourcing Inc.)
TO WHATEVER SHEISTY-FOOLS IT MAY CONCERN AT CONVERGENT OUTSOURCING INC.
WHAT'S YOUR GLITCH, BITCHES?
WHY DO YOU GOTTA BE HARASSING MY NICE OHIO CITIZENS SO MUCH? MY BOY MIKE POLK DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER RINGIN' UP THAT CELLY BILL WAY BACK IN OLDEN TIMES SO WHY DON'T YA'LL STOP BEIN' WHINEY FOOLS ABOUT IT AND JUST LET IT GO ALREADY? LIKE YA'LL AT AT&T DON'T ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH $$$!
MIKE'S GOIN' THROUGH SOME ROUGH TIMES RIGHT NOW AND HE DOESN'T HAVE EXTRA LOOT TO BE THROWIN' AROUND ON SOME NONSENSE THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN RECOLLECT. THE ALTERNATOR ON MY BOY'S HYUNDAI TUSCON JUST BLEW OUT AND HE WASN'T FACTORIN' THAT INTO HIS MONTHLY BUDGET SO HE'S CONCENTRATIN' ON GETTIN' THAT MESS STRAIGHT RIGHT NOW!
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST BACK OFF WITH YOUR BEGGIN' ASSES AND GO BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE, UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET RECKONED WITH BY ME, IN A STRICTLY JUDICIAL MANNER!
CAUSE SEE, I'M JOSH MANDEL AND I"M THE TREASURER UP IN THE BITCH!
THE MAIN MONEY BRO FROM O-H-I-O!
IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO GRIFT PEOPLE GO HIT UP SOME CLOWNS FROM ONE OF THOSE PUNK-ASS STATES LIKE DELAWARE. CAUSE OHIO FOLKS ARE UNDER MY PROTECTION AND YOU'D BE WISE TO REMEMBER THAT, PUNKS.
Ohio Treasurer Josh Mandel
(THIS IS WHERE YOU SIGN YOUR NAME)