Last Friday when your bro Chadbro smashed that can of Nati Ice on his forehead, you likely had no idea the guy was taking a stand against safety hazards for skunks. HE WAS!
And so is Miami University President David Hodge, less the Ice, who this week praised the PETA posters that are going up around campus and targeting the hazards spun off by a doucheculture that a) litters and b) drinks shitty beer. Turns out, the problem is compounded by c) leaving empties around in which skunks get their heads stuck.
Recently, a skunk was found wandering around with its head stuck in a can of Miller Lite that was woefully unsurprisingly left near a fraternity house. An animal control officer freed the skunk, but the hazard did not go unnoticed. Student group Advocates for Animals is working with PETA to raise awareness for this sort of problem.
Imagine you're a skunk. You go through life all crepuscular-like, spraying your odor and taking prolonged naps and, because you can't see for shit, sniffing most things that you encounter out in the world. Like earthworms and berries and empty beer cans. Because, hey, you're a skunk, you wriggle your dome right into that can and — suddenly — the world is a very dark and piss-smelling place. You cannot perceive anything except for the tight, tight vice around your head, and you do not understand where everything went. You can see even less than usual. You walk forward, hoping for light, but the dim universe does not relent. Sound reverberates around the can as you crash into a telephone pole and amble awkwardly into the road. VVVZZZZEEERRRRRR
Something that sounds like a motorcycle, only muffled but somehow louder, flies past you. You topple onto your side, now losing all sense of balance. This doesn't make any sense, and what little capacity you have for understanding and contextualizing the world is racing away into a singular void. There is no exit.
Hours seem to pass by (Or were they years? How does time behave without sensory perception?) and — THWOP — a kindly man pulls the can off your head. You're free! You're still alive! You're still a skunk, casting your blissful odor into the world!
Oh, the world!
Advocates say that crushing beer cans will mitigate this problem. Recycling works, too. For the Oxford animal officer's fine work, PETA will be mailing the department a batch of vegan cookies.