The holidays are a special time — full of yuletide joy, ugly sweater Christmas parties and goodwill. This is a guide describing the 10 people you’ll inevitably encounter during the Holidays. Enjoy.
The Best Gift Giver
Straight up, this person has their shit together. They crept on your Instagram, spent thankless nights reading your tweets and even have a bubble gum statue of you. (I’m sorry, I think I’m talking about future serial killer, Helga G. Pataki.) In all seriousness, these people are awesome. They take the time to give you a gift of value and really go the extra mile to make it as special as each individual snowflake. It warms my heart simply thinking of these people.
The Intentional Bad Gift Giver
This person is a bastard, but gosh darn it, they’re the best damn cop on the force! Sometimes their gifts are even funny
. This person gets their kicks intentionally gifting shitty gifts during the white elephant gift exchange. Nothing brings them more delight than presenting Hell disguised as Heaven. A pair of dirty undies wrapped in a pristine box is not out of the realm of possibility with these people. Keep your guard on around this person.
The Late Shopper
This person never gave a fuck about a calendar and furthermore is a loose-cannon cop that doesn’t
play by the rules. This person feels the need to make a passing joke to the cashier about always waiting for the last minute to buy gifts. The cashier is forced to feign laughter and say an even dumber joke. Society somehow accepts this as normal, and life goes on. This person loves bitching about waiting in checkout lines with the other people that refuse to use calendars.
The Christmas Spirit
This person makes Christmas feel like Christmas. This is the person that utilizes the Christmas countdown calendar, listens to Christmas music in November, and even has their Christmas lights up in October. Now that’s a lot of Christmas spirit!
These are good people and you want
to be invited to their ugly sweater Christmas party. These people remind you to not be cynical during the holidays, and ultimately make you feel flashing moments of being a kid again.
The Jackass Who's Overly Proud Of Their Ugly Sweater
Ok Coco Chanel, where did you find the time to go onto Amazon and pick the sweater with Rudolf drinking a beer? I mean, what will they think of next? Santa smoking a bong? Frosty the snowman listening to Jimmy Buffet on the beach? Jack Frost fucking a reindeer? Yes, your ugly sweater is hideous. Congratulations, you won a random Saturday in December. Enjoy your inevitable ugly sweater instagram post. I won’t be looking forward to it.
The Weather Complainer
Damned if it’s sunny, damned it it’s snowing. Yes, please keep telling us how the weather is supposed to be. The weather clearly follows reason and logic. Additionally, the weather’s “problems” are unique to your region. Avoid this person at all costs; this person lets an act of nature control their feelings.
The Socially Anxious Family Member
Is it hot in here or is it me? I mean, my God, someone turn down the thermostat! This person views Christmas day as a living Hell and cannot come to terms with the family that supports him or her. Nothing is more nerve-wracking than having artificial conversations with extended family members. Be kind to this person; they’ll come around eventually.
The Socially Awkward Family Member
So it’s Christmas day and we’re talking about the 25 reasons why Donald Trump is the devil, followed by the seven dates you’ve been on. I’m not going to ask you to pass the gravy as it might turn into a 30-minute conversation why one shouldn’t choose Bulbasaur in Pokémon. Ok, I’m kidding
, I would love to talk about Pokémon on Christmas. This is the person that doesn’t
have timing down, thus transforming an otherwise normal moment into a perpetual awkward moment. All things considered, this is very well the coolest person in the family and you should
look forward to seeing them.
Things would have been different if coach would have put him in. I’m serious
, he may have even won state! Had he won state, he certaintly wouldn’t be at the bar telling you about his high school glory days. Perhaps you’ll gift him a magic Genie in a bottle and with a mere wish, his failed dreams will come true.
The Fast Food Worker
Ok, yeah; you broke down and so did I. I know your mom made mashed potatoes, and you told yourself you were going to cut back. But you know what? You’re damn right I want fries with that!
I have a two and a half hour car ride with the rest of these schmucks and I want to make a few more mistakes before I join the gym in January. I know you ate fast food this month
. Wish the fast food worker a Merry Christmas. These people never receive enough common courtesy.
Read more from contributor Tony Winn at tonysbologna.com