Whenever we get an email that starts with, "I got drunk last night and wrote this. Please publish," we tend to listen. And so there's this, a kindly reader's list of 32 modest and immodest ideas for increasing attendance at the Jake.
Before Facebook, from June 1995 to Opening Day 2001, Cleveland Indians fans set a league record of 455 consecutive sell out games. The Fans #455 was retired and our job's been done ever since.
With the Tribe now contending for first in the AL Central, and now that the weather's nice, you'd think more people would start filling the Jake. And you'd be wrong. We'll still be dead last in attendance across the MLB.
Here are my suggestions to help fill the 20,000 empty seats:
- Rapidly increase carbon emissions to make Cleveland the #1 climate refugee destination
- Add more hipster food stands that taste 30% like the real thing
- Change condiment race to Momocho's signature habanero hot sauce, Roasted garlic aioli, and Sriracha
- Skyline Chili
- Freaky fast delivery
- $5 surcharge to smoke at your seat
- Get cheerleaders
- Fuck it. Get strippers
- Trail of Tears historical reenactment and/or play Believeland during the game
- Ten Cent Beer Night commemorative coins
- Kalahari stand
- Buy Minute Maid Park's hill and allow sledding in April, May, September and October
- $1 per minute dog night
- Free Tribe ticket with the purchase of a minor league game ticket
- Free Kidsland face painting Now With 14,000,000 Options That Aren't Red Face!
- Revive that good old JOOOEEEEEYY chant
- Tell the fucking ushers to settle the fuck down. I spent $100 on beer tonight, don't you remember when baseball had a fucking soul motherfuckers? And that WAS a fucking strike
- Send Cleveland residents courtesy texts: "Due to tonight's fireworks there's a 50% chance that sound you're hearing is actually fireworks"
- Beer Guy bobble head night
- Retire the Beer Guy's number #BEERGUY
- Teach John Adams a couple new beats
- Make the seats all metal again so I can bang the shit out of em
- Market baseball to black Clevelanders
- Move the RNC from the Q to the Jake
- Hire Christopher Walken to wear the Slider costume
- Have Slider wear a Christopher Walken costume
- Rock Hall Presents: taxidermy Prince, Bowie and Lemmy displays
- Replace speed pitch with Jimmy Dimora dunk tank
- More sex in Section 572
- Lebron James
- Threaten to sell the team to Baltimore