How to Cram an Entire Cleveland Summer into Labor Day Weekend

by

ERIC SANDY
  • ERIC SANDY
Oh dear God, it’s September already. Labor Day is almost upon us and, with it, the last fading rays of the summer sun. And, as summer comes to a close, I realize I have not done any of the fun summer activities I had vowed to do on Memorial Day. Remember Memorial Day? Those halcyon days of May 2016, before the Republican and Democratic National Conventions, before the Cavaliers became National Champions, before the all-female Ghostbusters ruined everyone’s childhoods, before the Rio Olympics, back when we were only 75 percent sure that Ryan Lochte was an idiot dudebro, back when I was determined to really enjoy my summer, to experience nature and see shows and pair blue maxi dresses with beaded sandals and get a tan for the first time in fifteen years and have the best summer ever.

But I, like you, am an adult with a job and a life that doesn’t pause for a summer break. And I’m sorry to say that I’ve spent the vast majority these warm summer nights inside, begging my child to eat a vegetable. And now it’s almost Labor Day and I’ve barely done anything “summery." So here’s my Labor Day plan – take inspiration from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and bend the laws of space and time to cram the best summer ever into the 24 short hours of Labor Day itself. I invite you to join me.

Here is our completely realistic Labor Day summer fun to the max plan:

6:30 a.m. – wake up, realize it’s summer break, sigh happily, go back to sleep

9 a.m. – actually wake up, go to Civilization for an iced coffee, sit at a sidewalk table and eavesdrop on the old men

10 a.m. – kayak the Cuyahoga River

11 a.m. – enjoy the majestic Lake Erie while getting drunk with BrewBoat CLE

12:15 p.m. – go to an Indians game, eat hot dogs until you get sober

1 p.m. – road trip Cedar Point!

2:15 p.m. – Wildwater Kingdom while we still can!

3:26 p.m. – people watching/judging at Edgewater Beach

4:47 p.m. – walk through the remnants of the Cuyahoga County Fair, find a squirrel, give it a blue ribbon for first place.

5:03 p.m. – Labor Day backyard BBQ with the neighbors. Grill up some burgers, drink some beers, play bags, become unreasonably belligerent when you don’t win.

6:28 p.m. – Cleveland Orchestra concert at Blossom. Bring a picnic of Taco Bell and Corona. Pray for rain so you can mudslide between the bottles of Pinot Grigio.

7:46 p.m. – rooftop cocktails with the beautiful people at Azure

8:05 p.m. - grab a DJ (I promise there are at least three at Azure), a laser light, and a bunch of friends, slap them all in fancy party dresses, head to the Cleveland Museum of Art and recreate Solstice

9:17 p.m. – go to a drive-in movie and sneak the DJ, friends, and a case of wine in your trunk

11:59 p.m. – run through Public Square yelling “BEST SUMMER EVER!” 

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